Saturday
Yes, yet another Saturday has come. I slept in until almost 8 a.m. today. It is now afternoon, so the Morning Pages are a little late. The fact that I am writing is what is important, not the time of day. I am doing my best to make this a daily occurrence, which is not always possible. I am not making excuses, just explaining.
When I was a little girl, I remember being very sad in pictures. I rarely smiled. The sunlight has always bothered me, I would squint whenever anyone took my picture. Oh how I wish that the little girl in those photos could speak to me now. I would love to know what she would tell me. Was she a happy little girl, or was she pretending? I will never know the answer to that. I would like to believe I was a happy child. Perhaps I will think to ask my Dad if he comes down tomorrow for Sunday Dinner. Jodee, Jamie, and Tyler will be here sometime for the noon meal. Larry is making a Meat Loaf.
My mind is rambling today as it does on most days.
I am trying to make my mind go back to when I was little and how I played. I do remember at recess at school we would build imaginary homes. Rocks and sticks would form the walls. Openings between them were the doors of course. Do you know something? I cannot even remember who my friends were and who I played with on the school playground. Was I an outcast, even back then? Later on there were a few times when I would make an attempt to stay all night with one girl or another. I say make and attempt because most times I would end up calling my Mom to come and get me. I am not sure now why I did not make it through the night. Possibly at least in my home I knew what to expect. It certainly was not the fact that my house was better or nicer than any of those girls. Where was my little mind and what was it thinking? I remember Judy Jones, Beverly Mosher, Donna Bass, Janice Wise, Peggy Whitehead,
Carla Powell, Georgia Ann Ford. Snippits are coming back to me. Diana Meggers had this beautiful Golden Palamino. It was a bit hard to handle, especially when it knew you didn't ride often. Skitterish? Maybe that's the word. Horses seem to know I am scared to death, even when I tried to act in control. That is one thing on my wish list is to ride a horse again. I have always wanted one of my own, but realize that is not going to happen. It would be a huge surprise if it ever did. Judy Jones was in my class in Elementary school. She loved to play Basketball. She tried to be the entire team though, and that made everyone a bit upset, especially the Coach. She played volleyball the same way, often causing someone else to lose the Ball in her effort to play alone. She did not live that far from me. The road to her home was barely that, it was more of a dirt path. Her house was more a shanty than a house.
She had many pets, some of which were wild. Squirrels, a goat, some kittens, and a rabbit that she found wounded and mended back to health who would not go very far from her from then on. Judy lived about half a mile from us, cutting through the timber. I wonder how she fared later on in Life. Did she get better about letting others in on things? Diana Meggers was also the one that helped me to finally stay all night without calling Mom or crying too much. We put a tent of blankets out under the trees in her front yard and were going to sleep there. We didn't make it, going inside about 9 p.m. She convinced me I could make it and made some popcorn and we talked a lot and I finally relaxed and fell asleep. After that it was not difficult anymore to stay. As much as I wanted to get away from home later on, it still confuses me why I was so attached to home. Janis Wise had me over one time and that girl must have had 20 pairs of shoes. She had a pair for every occasion that's for sure. That is the one thing I remember about her. She was a blonde with the prettiest Blue Eyes you could ever see. Carla Powell lived about a mile from us and they also had ponies I got to ride one time. I got tossed off though, so that did not go well. I never tried to ride that pony again.
I often wonder what would have been changed had my location been different? Would any of that have mattered? What would I have been like had we remained in Missouri? I was the first one to be glad when we were told that we would be moving back to Iowa from Missouri. I was tired of having no indoor toilet. Of course that may have been because as I got older, for some reason, that became one of my chores, taking the refuse from our indoor potty to the Outhouse to dump. Then I would have to fend off the Yellow Jackets who lived in there too. Dad would knock the nests down only to have them return as soon as the little buggers could spit enough to build them again.
the last straw was when I was going about my usual chore when they decided they did not like me being on their turf. One took me by surprise and as I attempted to motion to shoo him away, he decided to lock his little legs around my right nostril. I can still remember now how that felt. Of course it did not feel as bad as what happened next. As the wasp narrowed his aim, I was staggering all over the place, and of course my cargo shifted and spilled into my shoes. It did no good, as the tiny enemy decided I needed to be stung. He nailed me right below my nose between the bottom of it where it met my upper lip. I spent the rest of the day recovering from the trauma inflicted upon me by this poisonous critter. Moving could not come fast enough for me. I would have changed schools had we remained in Missouri, for the High School was in another town 8 miles away. Looking forward to leaving seemed like a Godsend to me. Even though I was a teenager and you know how traumatic change can be at that age. I was Thirteen years old and scared spit less when I went to Junior High/High School that first day. This transitional age is not fun for anyone and most Parents don't realize that. They expect way more from children that age than most are capable of doing. At any age change is difficult. Oh those teen years. I do not even want to remember some of them. One time I attempted to kill myself. This seems such a strong way to put it, but had those little red pills been anything other than Vitamins, I would not be here telling this story. Does that give you any idea of how traumatic the move was for me? I did not fit in. I was new to the community. Too shy to make friends, I ended up with the other "not exactly popular" kids. Along with all these things, I was fast becoming overweight as well. I was very accepting of people, still am. There were a few girls I liked spending time with. What would I change if I had a chance to return to that time? I am not sure. I would not change me because this is what made me the person I am today. Changing me now serves no purpose. One thing that I would change if I could is that I would begin to write things in a journal much earlier. I never thought anything important enough to write down happened to me. Now just the day to day doings would be fun to recollect. I have been writing about my relationship with my parents and with my Mom in particular. Had I communicated then, maybe things would have turned out differently. Would she have allowed me to do some of the things I only dream about today? She was very kind and as I remember, let me have people over pretty much whenever I wanted. She let me go stay all night with several girls during my teen years. She and Dad even helped me to buy my first car. That old pink demon would be fun to have back now. At the time I hated it because it was older and not all that nice a car. It was a Salmon Pink Plymouth. It had push buttons to shift gears. It had lots of chrome trim. The seats were plaid. There were no cracks, dents or blemishes anywhere on the body. It was $750.00 which at that time was a lot for an older car. Dad helped me out with the payments and I paid him and Mom back a bit at a time. That old car went a lot of miles with and for me. Maybe that car could tell memories for me also. When you are young, you don't feel like you will ever forget anything that happens. Now I can barely remember what I did yesterday. Normal aging, yes, I hope so. I am writing all of these words for me. But, also I want to leave some sort of legacy to my children and grand children, should any of them want to read about "Crazy Grandma Kate". At least now when I act Happy it is because I truly feel that way. No more acting or hiding any of my feelings. People will know asap how I feel, one way or the other.
Last night Lacey and Hunter came down to visit. They joined us for spaghetti supper. I had planned on going to meet Lacey somewhere to shop, or go to her house. I was so tired from shopping on Thursday. I did not get to town until Noon, so that put everything back a few hours. My regular Meeting is at 9:30. I missed having the friends I normally do to confide in. This staying on program is difficult when I do not see any positive results. I will NOT quit. That is NOT an option. Even knowing that, I still struggle. I love when they come over. It is wonderful to be allowed to be such an important part of Hunter and Lacey's lives. Seeing Jodee's family often is nice too. They moved closer to us last year when Tyler was two. It is about half an hour closer. That helps us to get to see them more often. Jodee is so busy with Law School, but she still welcomes us out whenever she can. Tyler adores seeing us. We both love to play with him. I can get down and do so much easier now. I don't know how I could have let myself get so huge before I started caring enough to get a hold of myself. I saw a young woman the other day who was gigantic. I wanted so to help her. I wanted to say, come with me to get some help. But I did not. I bit my tongue and walked away. I know as well as anyone that it would not have helped her unless she was ready to get help. Something that bothers me about the group I belong to is that there are some folks who cannot afford the payments to get help. I have long considered starting some sort of weight loss group for those who do not have a lot of funds. Yes, eating right does cost more. Finding a way to care for oneself is not expensive, but sometimes it takes others going through the same thing to get you where you need to go. I know if I didn't have the friends at meeting, I would not have this strength to go on losing. It would be so easy to give up on myself again.
Have I stumbled upon what I need to do with my Life? Hummmmmmmmmmm
Well I betcha that is my three pages. This writing really mushroomed on me. It has taken me on and off all day, and I feel at a place where I can stop for now.
You all take care of yourselves and Hug someone today. Be Kind. It comes back to you.
adios!
Katie
Kate
When I was a little girl, I remember being very sad in pictures. I rarely smiled. The sunlight has always bothered me, I would squint whenever anyone took my picture. Oh how I wish that the little girl in those photos could speak to me now. I would love to know what she would tell me. Was she a happy little girl, or was she pretending? I will never know the answer to that. I would like to believe I was a happy child. Perhaps I will think to ask my Dad if he comes down tomorrow for Sunday Dinner. Jodee, Jamie, and Tyler will be here sometime for the noon meal. Larry is making a Meat Loaf.
My mind is rambling today as it does on most days.
I am trying to make my mind go back to when I was little and how I played. I do remember at recess at school we would build imaginary homes. Rocks and sticks would form the walls. Openings between them were the doors of course. Do you know something? I cannot even remember who my friends were and who I played with on the school playground. Was I an outcast, even back then? Later on there were a few times when I would make an attempt to stay all night with one girl or another. I say make and attempt because most times I would end up calling my Mom to come and get me. I am not sure now why I did not make it through the night. Possibly at least in my home I knew what to expect. It certainly was not the fact that my house was better or nicer than any of those girls. Where was my little mind and what was it thinking? I remember Judy Jones, Beverly Mosher, Donna Bass, Janice Wise, Peggy Whitehead,
Carla Powell, Georgia Ann Ford. Snippits are coming back to me. Diana Meggers had this beautiful Golden Palamino. It was a bit hard to handle, especially when it knew you didn't ride often. Skitterish? Maybe that's the word. Horses seem to know I am scared to death, even when I tried to act in control. That is one thing on my wish list is to ride a horse again. I have always wanted one of my own, but realize that is not going to happen. It would be a huge surprise if it ever did. Judy Jones was in my class in Elementary school. She loved to play Basketball. She tried to be the entire team though, and that made everyone a bit upset, especially the Coach. She played volleyball the same way, often causing someone else to lose the Ball in her effort to play alone. She did not live that far from me. The road to her home was barely that, it was more of a dirt path. Her house was more a shanty than a house.
She had many pets, some of which were wild. Squirrels, a goat, some kittens, and a rabbit that she found wounded and mended back to health who would not go very far from her from then on. Judy lived about half a mile from us, cutting through the timber. I wonder how she fared later on in Life. Did she get better about letting others in on things? Diana Meggers was also the one that helped me to finally stay all night without calling Mom or crying too much. We put a tent of blankets out under the trees in her front yard and were going to sleep there. We didn't make it, going inside about 9 p.m. She convinced me I could make it and made some popcorn and we talked a lot and I finally relaxed and fell asleep. After that it was not difficult anymore to stay. As much as I wanted to get away from home later on, it still confuses me why I was so attached to home. Janis Wise had me over one time and that girl must have had 20 pairs of shoes. She had a pair for every occasion that's for sure. That is the one thing I remember about her. She was a blonde with the prettiest Blue Eyes you could ever see. Carla Powell lived about a mile from us and they also had ponies I got to ride one time. I got tossed off though, so that did not go well. I never tried to ride that pony again.
I often wonder what would have been changed had my location been different? Would any of that have mattered? What would I have been like had we remained in Missouri? I was the first one to be glad when we were told that we would be moving back to Iowa from Missouri. I was tired of having no indoor toilet. Of course that may have been because as I got older, for some reason, that became one of my chores, taking the refuse from our indoor potty to the Outhouse to dump. Then I would have to fend off the Yellow Jackets who lived in there too. Dad would knock the nests down only to have them return as soon as the little buggers could spit enough to build them again.
the last straw was when I was going about my usual chore when they decided they did not like me being on their turf. One took me by surprise and as I attempted to motion to shoo him away, he decided to lock his little legs around my right nostril. I can still remember now how that felt. Of course it did not feel as bad as what happened next. As the wasp narrowed his aim, I was staggering all over the place, and of course my cargo shifted and spilled into my shoes. It did no good, as the tiny enemy decided I needed to be stung. He nailed me right below my nose between the bottom of it where it met my upper lip. I spent the rest of the day recovering from the trauma inflicted upon me by this poisonous critter. Moving could not come fast enough for me. I would have changed schools had we remained in Missouri, for the High School was in another town 8 miles away. Looking forward to leaving seemed like a Godsend to me. Even though I was a teenager and you know how traumatic change can be at that age. I was Thirteen years old and scared spit less when I went to Junior High/High School that first day. This transitional age is not fun for anyone and most Parents don't realize that. They expect way more from children that age than most are capable of doing. At any age change is difficult. Oh those teen years. I do not even want to remember some of them. One time I attempted to kill myself. This seems such a strong way to put it, but had those little red pills been anything other than Vitamins, I would not be here telling this story. Does that give you any idea of how traumatic the move was for me? I did not fit in. I was new to the community. Too shy to make friends, I ended up with the other "not exactly popular" kids. Along with all these things, I was fast becoming overweight as well. I was very accepting of people, still am. There were a few girls I liked spending time with. What would I change if I had a chance to return to that time? I am not sure. I would not change me because this is what made me the person I am today. Changing me now serves no purpose. One thing that I would change if I could is that I would begin to write things in a journal much earlier. I never thought anything important enough to write down happened to me. Now just the day to day doings would be fun to recollect. I have been writing about my relationship with my parents and with my Mom in particular. Had I communicated then, maybe things would have turned out differently. Would she have allowed me to do some of the things I only dream about today? She was very kind and as I remember, let me have people over pretty much whenever I wanted. She let me go stay all night with several girls during my teen years. She and Dad even helped me to buy my first car. That old pink demon would be fun to have back now. At the time I hated it because it was older and not all that nice a car. It was a Salmon Pink Plymouth. It had push buttons to shift gears. It had lots of chrome trim. The seats were plaid. There were no cracks, dents or blemishes anywhere on the body. It was $750.00 which at that time was a lot for an older car. Dad helped me out with the payments and I paid him and Mom back a bit at a time. That old car went a lot of miles with and for me. Maybe that car could tell memories for me also. When you are young, you don't feel like you will ever forget anything that happens. Now I can barely remember what I did yesterday. Normal aging, yes, I hope so. I am writing all of these words for me. But, also I want to leave some sort of legacy to my children and grand children, should any of them want to read about "Crazy Grandma Kate". At least now when I act Happy it is because I truly feel that way. No more acting or hiding any of my feelings. People will know asap how I feel, one way or the other.
Last night Lacey and Hunter came down to visit. They joined us for spaghetti supper. I had planned on going to meet Lacey somewhere to shop, or go to her house. I was so tired from shopping on Thursday. I did not get to town until Noon, so that put everything back a few hours. My regular Meeting is at 9:30. I missed having the friends I normally do to confide in. This staying on program is difficult when I do not see any positive results. I will NOT quit. That is NOT an option. Even knowing that, I still struggle. I love when they come over. It is wonderful to be allowed to be such an important part of Hunter and Lacey's lives. Seeing Jodee's family often is nice too. They moved closer to us last year when Tyler was two. It is about half an hour closer. That helps us to get to see them more often. Jodee is so busy with Law School, but she still welcomes us out whenever she can. Tyler adores seeing us. We both love to play with him. I can get down and do so much easier now. I don't know how I could have let myself get so huge before I started caring enough to get a hold of myself. I saw a young woman the other day who was gigantic. I wanted so to help her. I wanted to say, come with me to get some help. But I did not. I bit my tongue and walked away. I know as well as anyone that it would not have helped her unless she was ready to get help. Something that bothers me about the group I belong to is that there are some folks who cannot afford the payments to get help. I have long considered starting some sort of weight loss group for those who do not have a lot of funds. Yes, eating right does cost more. Finding a way to care for oneself is not expensive, but sometimes it takes others going through the same thing to get you where you need to go. I know if I didn't have the friends at meeting, I would not have this strength to go on losing. It would be so easy to give up on myself again.
Have I stumbled upon what I need to do with my Life? Hummmmmmmmmmm
Well I betcha that is my three pages. This writing really mushroomed on me. It has taken me on and off all day, and I feel at a place where I can stop for now.
You all take care of yourselves and Hug someone today. Be Kind. It comes back to you.
adios!
Katie
Kate
posted by Katie | 12:27 PM
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