Here I Am
I was listening to Barbara Streisand's CD on the way home from town last night. She inspires me in so many ways. First, she is a Woman. Second, She is a talented, confident Woman. Third, She did it "her" way. Fourth, she still seems daunted by her success. She seems like a meek child when she is intervied, yet not afraid to say what is on her mind. Life delt her Lemons, she made Lemonade. I so admire that, that I cannot begin to explain it. She appears to be everything I am not. Is that a Freudian slip or something? I do not mean that I am anything like Barbara, nor am I extremely different. I only meant that even when she was afraid, she did it anyway. She can claim her own Success. Now I sound like my Success is not important. I do not mean that either. What I am trying to say is that I respect her and many others who do great things wheter meaning to or not. Sometimes it can be just luck that someone achieves greatness. Some have success they did not deserve. Is Success over-rated? Possibly so. Success is good in that it keeps us heading toward one goal or another. Right now my only goal is to lose weight, and I am becoming very frustrated with that one. I have begun to feel that my body likes where it is now. It wants to remain here. I do not want to remain at this weight although I look like I weigh less than I do. I just want to keep losing till I begin to feel comfortable within my skin. That won't happen for at least another 20 pounds or more. I have to decide that it is worth working toward. The thing is, I have to pass up so many good things to get there. I do not want to constantly feel in angst or worry or guilt if and when I choose to eat something. I have done that all my Life. Now it is time to start living again. I do not mean I am going to stop trying. I only mean that it is time to stop beating myself up because I am not losing. I am giving tracking one more shot. I have been working out like a fiend most of this past week only to maintain where I had gained before Christmas!!!!! Not eating foods I love is a constant in my Life that I no longer have the mental power to maintain. I can't imagine how I will feel once I get to goal. I want to get to the 145 range because I truly want to work for Weight Wathers. I think I will be a good leader, and inspire and help others like me.
Enough of this self pity party for now! I am going to be so good this week it will make everyone's head spin! Go me! I can do this! It is a Lifestyle change, get over it!!! Moving on to my next few thoughts:
Something else I have finally realized that had never occured to me before is how insecure so many people are. Not liking themselves. Thinking they should be better than they are or have been. These are people who have appeared to have success beyond measure. Some do not have what seems like success, but it is. Moving forward through this old world and life is a struggle for us all. The older we get, the more the struggle seems to be.
This tells me we all are wounded children inside. I have been reading several books that are formed around this idea. Heck, I bet that Donald Trump is nothing more than a little wounded boy who hides it well. He puts up a good face and acts the part, even with the many trials and troubles he has had in the world. He is determined to persevere. (no offense, Donald)
Are we truly put on this Earth to accomplish great works? Define great works. We are taught how being first is so important. How many people are struggling through Life because of this? I bet the number is extremely high. Never measuring up is difficult if not impossible to bear for some. Being number 2 is not so bad when you think about how many others there are in the meley. I have never had that drive to be 1st. I never thought it was worth the struggle. Maybe that is why I have not had success in the way some people measure it.
Is Success monatarily important? Is Happiness Success? I believe that there are millions of people who deem themselves successful having achieved or earned very little money. Some of the Happiest people have barely enough to get by. They learned early in Life that Success is what you make it.
How much different would our Lives be if we all would sit down for a brief visit and just enjoy the conversation. No competing, no striving to be something more than what we are. Learning to be grateful for what we have, where we are at this moment, and not worrying about what others think of us. Letting it all hang out, warts and all.
Will someone today judge me if and when they see that I did not shave my Legs today?
Probably the only person who really cares about that is me. Who started women shaving their Legs anyway? (Gonna be sexist here) It was probably some man who liked feeling women's legs. Or some executive in fashion who wanted the fashions to look slicker.
Why do we go so against nature? We change it. We exploit it. We ruin it. Now I can see if a person does not groom themselves and becomes a smelly dirty stinky mess that this can be detrimental. Cleanliness should be appreciated as some do not have access to it like we do.
Now I know not everyone does this. I know I still shave my legs when I will be wearing something that is revealing. Thank Goodness for that. I have spent most of my Life trying to be the best person I knew how to be. Measuring up to some sort of public expectation. I was never slim enough, dainty enough, cute enough, perfect enough, or so I learned some where along the line. When we begin to equate our worth by our looks or success, we are just plain wrong. I did it. I bet you do it too. We judge ourselves before anyone else has the chance to. I finally realized that the one person I cared about judging me was ME. I did not realize for way too many years that I was even doing so. Now as I peel away the layers, I see how much I equated my self worth and self esteem as one and the same.
True, when I was growing up, there were more "rules" to follow. Had I only had the courage to follow my own fashion sense back then. Some did. I believe they were called "freaks". (see the judgement?)
Young people today have a freedom that we never had, or even dreamt about taking. Rules were set in stone. You did what the rules said. Never taking into consideration a person's feelings about it, or thinking it might be hurting anyone in some way.
My own parenting skills were based upon what I had learned growing up. I wish I had done more reading about that sort of thing before I had children. We all fly by the seat of our pants where this is concerned. We learn by trial and error, or use the rules we ourselves learned growing up. Did I expect too much from my children? Did I not have high enough expectations? These questions may never be answered in my Lifetime. Would I accept the answers if they were handed to me on a silver platter? Probably not.
Now I see my own children making some mistakes that I just want to say, "do it this way", but I will not say that for I remember how easily that can be taken negatively.
There are still things that my girls probably do take to heart or mind more than they should. (I hope you will forgive me daughters of mine!) I try to stay out of things, but sometimes wonder if words I say get mis-construed or taken in a different way than I meant them to. It makes me careful in what I say at all. My mother used to make jokes that I took to heart, or turned to make them derogatory. Oh, what we do to our OWN selves!
I had a woman tell me a couple of years ago that I was blaming everyone else in the world for the way my Life had turned out. She was right, and it hurt because she was right. At that time, I was very vulnerable and lost. I have since done a lot of soul searching and writing. I also went to the Doctor because there were thoughts of suicide creeping in. These thoughts had occured to me one other time when a job was not working out, I was overwhelmed and stressed. Trying to be perfect, trying to be all things to everyone. Failing miserably. At that time, I did not realize how sick I was. Each person is different and that increases value as far as I can see. Who would want to be clones? Not me. True, I catch myself judging others, perhaps to make myself seem less freaky? Whatever the reason, that is WRONG.
The girls were growing up. They were branching out. They did not need Mom anymore.
I was now part of the furniture, perhaps always had been. How could I ever think that? Oh how I wish I had talked to my own Mom about just such things as these. We never were able to get beyond certain feelings. We only had one good talk where we both ended up feeling better about our relationship.
I realize now, looking back, that Mom never had a good relationship with her mother either. She went through that same stress of wanting to do everything perfectly to please others. We are so ingrained with certain teachings, it is rare when a person can stop and look and realize things do not have to be that way.
I was a "good girl". I did everything the way it was supposed to be done. Now in some ways, I wish I had taken a few more risks. But then, I would not be the person I am today. I would be someone else.
My rebellions were few and did not amount to much compared to some teenagers. I think back to how close I was to true danger. There were a couple of things that happened that I could not even tell my parents. Or so I felt. I would no longer be that good girl, not perfect, not their Angel anymore. Even with those 2 things, I was pretty much Ms Goody Two Shoes. Where did that saying come from I wonder? I will have to investigate that further.
The past 2 days I have been thinking strongly about the song "Rainbow Connection". Possibly it is because I have watched "Kermit, the Early Years" with Tyler D.
It is a sweet, cute little movie and touches on some of the same things that happened later on when Kermit left the swamp. I think the reason I am "making this connection" is that here was this Man who did not give up on his Dream. He did not listen to all the Critics, including the one within. He moved toward his fantasy. Did he achieve it? I would be willing to bet that in his own mind, NO. There always seems to be that wandering lust, that feeling to find "more". He was a pure Genius and left us much too early. His Dream lives on however. I remember when Rowlf Dog was on TV. He was fascinating to me. I think maybe it was the EdSullivan show, or Gary Moore or some such that I first saw him. This man had such a sense of humor. He made us laugh and see and enjoy imaginary "critters". Most would just say, "What the hell are you trying to do?" "This will never fly." Bet Orville and Wilbur Wright heard that a few times too, but never gave up trying.
Jamie, one of my Son In Laws is inspiring me too. He is doing dot art. He is very good at it. It takes lots of patience and a steady hand to do it. I am toying with a few ideas in my head as to which of several ideas I should pursue. Thinking about money has to go away. One cannot do true Art "for the money". My point in mentioning Jamie is that when he first tried to help me with some information, I took it so negatively. I thought he was saying that my Art was no good. What he was doing was trying to give me some tips on how to become better. I have never been very good with critisisim or any kind. My own self worth is getting better, but I have a ways to go.
I picked up a book yesterday in the Hallmark Store. My intention was to give it to a friend as a Birthday gift. She had a Birthday in December. I want to take her to lunch as she took me on my Birthday last April. She was going to Weight Watchers with me, but has not shown up for several weeks now. I fear she has given up on herself again. I better send her an email today. She encouraged me when I needed it. I did not make it to my regular meeting yesterday. Will wait one more week to see if she may have been there yesterday. I did not go until Jodee and family left. They stayed overnight on the way to Grandma Sabos. They are coming back Sunday for lunch before going on home to Omaha again.
Tyler has my Heart. Maybe I should say he has half of it, for Hunter has the other half. Those two boys are my Life right now. I would not have it any other way.
I was thinking on the way home that maybe that is what I am supposed to "do" right now. Maybe this is my place in time now. Maybe I am looking for something that is not there. Could this be possible? This is no small task, being a Grandma. Neither is being a Mom. These are the best and worst jobs in the world. Best because of the fringe benefits. Worst because there is always the fear of doing something wrong that will become Earth Shattering or mentally harmful some day. Now I know this will not happen, but it makes me feel very intimidated, let me tell you. I want to do this job right. I know I am good with kids. It is so fun to be able to get down on the floor and play with them and do silly things to make them laugh and giggle. I am learning that the things that I do that Hunter loves, Tyler does not think are very funny at all. You win some, you lose some.
Being close to Hunter has been the best gift I ever have gotten. He lights up when we come into the room. Children show true Joy at this young age. They are still young enough that everything is new and untarnished. Oh how I wish that those feelings could continue for their Lifetime. I hope no one ever tells them they cannot, must not, will not. There is a fine line there. We mold them ever so gently. Tyler is sensitive and I already see his craving Love. He is loved, but for some reason he is insecure in that arena. I see him as so similar to me that it scares me in some ways. He needs lots of affection, and I bet he always will. I hope that the day does not come that he is told to stop hugging and hugging and more hugging. I never got enough of that, and I was the same way, needing to show and be shown Love. Parents get busy and children sometimes bear the brunt of that. Busy. I am so glad I got to slow down. I think I would have been dead soon had I continued the way I was going. I listened to my body...or at least I had to listen when I reached the breaking point. I am thankful for that knowledge. I did know my body and that it needed to be taken care of. Had I continued to do what I felt like was menial work, I would have to be locked up by now, or had a Heart Attack or Stroke. I feel guilty that Larry has to keep working because I couldn't go to work and make enough money to let him retire. That will always bother me. I live in fear of what will happen if and when he does die. I have nothing to live on. I will be in the poor house because we did not plan or save. I should have insisted on putting something away for these days. I know that my Dad is living with this same fear. He is so afraid that he will not have enough money till he dies. He may not. There is help for people like him if he needs it, but he will have to lose his pride to get it.
I learned a bit about that when I was living in Carroll. I could not face going to the Human Services to get help. I would rather come back here than ask for help.
Living like that was just too scarey. I know I could do it, but chose not to. I am making the best choices I can make at the time I make them. Only time will tell if they are the right choices. I truly loved living in Carroll. There is access to so much to do all the time. I wanted to join the recreation center also, but so many things take money just to get started. I could not even get cable or computer access.
I will have to make a list of things I want to accomplish. I think of things, then forget them. That scares me too because it brings the fear of the Alzheimers up again. My forgetfulness is getting worse all the time. That is one reason I have to get these words down on paper. Whether they make sense to anyone but me is not important. I am supposed to write 3 pages every morning. This will not be a problem. I want to do a Dream journal too. This is supposed to help see where my soul wants to go, and what I am to do while awake. I fear learning this for some reason, not sure why. I can procrastinate with the best of them. I fear I am procrastinating my Life away. I must changes this. I am the only one who can. I need to set goals and reach them before it becomes to late to do so.
I was talking about that book that I picked up to give to a friend. I thought, she will like this, it is about Hugs. Well I had to wait to get the oil changed in the car and so took the book in to read. I wanted to make sure it was what I had in mind to give to her. The book spoke to ME. It seems as if it were written directly to me. It addresses things that I am facing now. The stories are simple, but meaningful. I am not sure that I will give it to her now or not. I might pass it on to my girls. I may not. I know I will read it before I give it away.
I will finish this now and post it before I lose it. I will perhaps finish it later.
Hugs everyone, take care of yourselves, no one else will!
Love you,
Katie
Enough of this self pity party for now! I am going to be so good this week it will make everyone's head spin! Go me! I can do this! It is a Lifestyle change, get over it!!! Moving on to my next few thoughts:
Something else I have finally realized that had never occured to me before is how insecure so many people are. Not liking themselves. Thinking they should be better than they are or have been. These are people who have appeared to have success beyond measure. Some do not have what seems like success, but it is. Moving forward through this old world and life is a struggle for us all. The older we get, the more the struggle seems to be.
This tells me we all are wounded children inside. I have been reading several books that are formed around this idea. Heck, I bet that Donald Trump is nothing more than a little wounded boy who hides it well. He puts up a good face and acts the part, even with the many trials and troubles he has had in the world. He is determined to persevere. (no offense, Donald)
Are we truly put on this Earth to accomplish great works? Define great works. We are taught how being first is so important. How many people are struggling through Life because of this? I bet the number is extremely high. Never measuring up is difficult if not impossible to bear for some. Being number 2 is not so bad when you think about how many others there are in the meley. I have never had that drive to be 1st. I never thought it was worth the struggle. Maybe that is why I have not had success in the way some people measure it.
Is Success monatarily important? Is Happiness Success? I believe that there are millions of people who deem themselves successful having achieved or earned very little money. Some of the Happiest people have barely enough to get by. They learned early in Life that Success is what you make it.
How much different would our Lives be if we all would sit down for a brief visit and just enjoy the conversation. No competing, no striving to be something more than what we are. Learning to be grateful for what we have, where we are at this moment, and not worrying about what others think of us. Letting it all hang out, warts and all.
Will someone today judge me if and when they see that I did not shave my Legs today?
Probably the only person who really cares about that is me. Who started women shaving their Legs anyway? (Gonna be sexist here) It was probably some man who liked feeling women's legs. Or some executive in fashion who wanted the fashions to look slicker.
Why do we go so against nature? We change it. We exploit it. We ruin it. Now I can see if a person does not groom themselves and becomes a smelly dirty stinky mess that this can be detrimental. Cleanliness should be appreciated as some do not have access to it like we do.
Now I know not everyone does this. I know I still shave my legs when I will be wearing something that is revealing. Thank Goodness for that. I have spent most of my Life trying to be the best person I knew how to be. Measuring up to some sort of public expectation. I was never slim enough, dainty enough, cute enough, perfect enough, or so I learned some where along the line. When we begin to equate our worth by our looks or success, we are just plain wrong. I did it. I bet you do it too. We judge ourselves before anyone else has the chance to. I finally realized that the one person I cared about judging me was ME. I did not realize for way too many years that I was even doing so. Now as I peel away the layers, I see how much I equated my self worth and self esteem as one and the same.
True, when I was growing up, there were more "rules" to follow. Had I only had the courage to follow my own fashion sense back then. Some did. I believe they were called "freaks". (see the judgement?)
Young people today have a freedom that we never had, or even dreamt about taking. Rules were set in stone. You did what the rules said. Never taking into consideration a person's feelings about it, or thinking it might be hurting anyone in some way.
My own parenting skills were based upon what I had learned growing up. I wish I had done more reading about that sort of thing before I had children. We all fly by the seat of our pants where this is concerned. We learn by trial and error, or use the rules we ourselves learned growing up. Did I expect too much from my children? Did I not have high enough expectations? These questions may never be answered in my Lifetime. Would I accept the answers if they were handed to me on a silver platter? Probably not.
Now I see my own children making some mistakes that I just want to say, "do it this way", but I will not say that for I remember how easily that can be taken negatively.
There are still things that my girls probably do take to heart or mind more than they should. (I hope you will forgive me daughters of mine!) I try to stay out of things, but sometimes wonder if words I say get mis-construed or taken in a different way than I meant them to. It makes me careful in what I say at all. My mother used to make jokes that I took to heart, or turned to make them derogatory. Oh, what we do to our OWN selves!
I had a woman tell me a couple of years ago that I was blaming everyone else in the world for the way my Life had turned out. She was right, and it hurt because she was right. At that time, I was very vulnerable and lost. I have since done a lot of soul searching and writing. I also went to the Doctor because there were thoughts of suicide creeping in. These thoughts had occured to me one other time when a job was not working out, I was overwhelmed and stressed. Trying to be perfect, trying to be all things to everyone. Failing miserably. At that time, I did not realize how sick I was. Each person is different and that increases value as far as I can see. Who would want to be clones? Not me. True, I catch myself judging others, perhaps to make myself seem less freaky? Whatever the reason, that is WRONG.
The girls were growing up. They were branching out. They did not need Mom anymore.
I was now part of the furniture, perhaps always had been. How could I ever think that? Oh how I wish I had talked to my own Mom about just such things as these. We never were able to get beyond certain feelings. We only had one good talk where we both ended up feeling better about our relationship.
I realize now, looking back, that Mom never had a good relationship with her mother either. She went through that same stress of wanting to do everything perfectly to please others. We are so ingrained with certain teachings, it is rare when a person can stop and look and realize things do not have to be that way.
I was a "good girl". I did everything the way it was supposed to be done. Now in some ways, I wish I had taken a few more risks. But then, I would not be the person I am today. I would be someone else.
My rebellions were few and did not amount to much compared to some teenagers. I think back to how close I was to true danger. There were a couple of things that happened that I could not even tell my parents. Or so I felt. I would no longer be that good girl, not perfect, not their Angel anymore. Even with those 2 things, I was pretty much Ms Goody Two Shoes. Where did that saying come from I wonder? I will have to investigate that further.
The past 2 days I have been thinking strongly about the song "Rainbow Connection". Possibly it is because I have watched "Kermit, the Early Years" with Tyler D.
It is a sweet, cute little movie and touches on some of the same things that happened later on when Kermit left the swamp. I think the reason I am "making this connection" is that here was this Man who did not give up on his Dream. He did not listen to all the Critics, including the one within. He moved toward his fantasy. Did he achieve it? I would be willing to bet that in his own mind, NO. There always seems to be that wandering lust, that feeling to find "more". He was a pure Genius and left us much too early. His Dream lives on however. I remember when Rowlf Dog was on TV. He was fascinating to me. I think maybe it was the EdSullivan show, or Gary Moore or some such that I first saw him. This man had such a sense of humor. He made us laugh and see and enjoy imaginary "critters". Most would just say, "What the hell are you trying to do?" "This will never fly." Bet Orville and Wilbur Wright heard that a few times too, but never gave up trying.
Jamie, one of my Son In Laws is inspiring me too. He is doing dot art. He is very good at it. It takes lots of patience and a steady hand to do it. I am toying with a few ideas in my head as to which of several ideas I should pursue. Thinking about money has to go away. One cannot do true Art "for the money". My point in mentioning Jamie is that when he first tried to help me with some information, I took it so negatively. I thought he was saying that my Art was no good. What he was doing was trying to give me some tips on how to become better. I have never been very good with critisisim or any kind. My own self worth is getting better, but I have a ways to go.
I picked up a book yesterday in the Hallmark Store. My intention was to give it to a friend as a Birthday gift. She had a Birthday in December. I want to take her to lunch as she took me on my Birthday last April. She was going to Weight Watchers with me, but has not shown up for several weeks now. I fear she has given up on herself again. I better send her an email today. She encouraged me when I needed it. I did not make it to my regular meeting yesterday. Will wait one more week to see if she may have been there yesterday. I did not go until Jodee and family left. They stayed overnight on the way to Grandma Sabos. They are coming back Sunday for lunch before going on home to Omaha again.
Tyler has my Heart. Maybe I should say he has half of it, for Hunter has the other half. Those two boys are my Life right now. I would not have it any other way.
I was thinking on the way home that maybe that is what I am supposed to "do" right now. Maybe this is my place in time now. Maybe I am looking for something that is not there. Could this be possible? This is no small task, being a Grandma. Neither is being a Mom. These are the best and worst jobs in the world. Best because of the fringe benefits. Worst because there is always the fear of doing something wrong that will become Earth Shattering or mentally harmful some day. Now I know this will not happen, but it makes me feel very intimidated, let me tell you. I want to do this job right. I know I am good with kids. It is so fun to be able to get down on the floor and play with them and do silly things to make them laugh and giggle. I am learning that the things that I do that Hunter loves, Tyler does not think are very funny at all. You win some, you lose some.
Being close to Hunter has been the best gift I ever have gotten. He lights up when we come into the room. Children show true Joy at this young age. They are still young enough that everything is new and untarnished. Oh how I wish that those feelings could continue for their Lifetime. I hope no one ever tells them they cannot, must not, will not. There is a fine line there. We mold them ever so gently. Tyler is sensitive and I already see his craving Love. He is loved, but for some reason he is insecure in that arena. I see him as so similar to me that it scares me in some ways. He needs lots of affection, and I bet he always will. I hope that the day does not come that he is told to stop hugging and hugging and more hugging. I never got enough of that, and I was the same way, needing to show and be shown Love. Parents get busy and children sometimes bear the brunt of that. Busy. I am so glad I got to slow down. I think I would have been dead soon had I continued the way I was going. I listened to my body...or at least I had to listen when I reached the breaking point. I am thankful for that knowledge. I did know my body and that it needed to be taken care of. Had I continued to do what I felt like was menial work, I would have to be locked up by now, or had a Heart Attack or Stroke. I feel guilty that Larry has to keep working because I couldn't go to work and make enough money to let him retire. That will always bother me. I live in fear of what will happen if and when he does die. I have nothing to live on. I will be in the poor house because we did not plan or save. I should have insisted on putting something away for these days. I know that my Dad is living with this same fear. He is so afraid that he will not have enough money till he dies. He may not. There is help for people like him if he needs it, but he will have to lose his pride to get it.
I learned a bit about that when I was living in Carroll. I could not face going to the Human Services to get help. I would rather come back here than ask for help.
Living like that was just too scarey. I know I could do it, but chose not to. I am making the best choices I can make at the time I make them. Only time will tell if they are the right choices. I truly loved living in Carroll. There is access to so much to do all the time. I wanted to join the recreation center also, but so many things take money just to get started. I could not even get cable or computer access.
I will have to make a list of things I want to accomplish. I think of things, then forget them. That scares me too because it brings the fear of the Alzheimers up again. My forgetfulness is getting worse all the time. That is one reason I have to get these words down on paper. Whether they make sense to anyone but me is not important. I am supposed to write 3 pages every morning. This will not be a problem. I want to do a Dream journal too. This is supposed to help see where my soul wants to go, and what I am to do while awake. I fear learning this for some reason, not sure why. I can procrastinate with the best of them. I fear I am procrastinating my Life away. I must changes this. I am the only one who can. I need to set goals and reach them before it becomes to late to do so.
I was talking about that book that I picked up to give to a friend. I thought, she will like this, it is about Hugs. Well I had to wait to get the oil changed in the car and so took the book in to read. I wanted to make sure it was what I had in mind to give to her. The book spoke to ME. It seems as if it were written directly to me. It addresses things that I am facing now. The stories are simple, but meaningful. I am not sure that I will give it to her now or not. I might pass it on to my girls. I may not. I know I will read it before I give it away.
I will finish this now and post it before I lose it. I will perhaps finish it later.
Hugs everyone, take care of yourselves, no one else will!
Love you,
Katie
posted by Katie | 4:38 AM
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