Today

Upon waking this morning, I had many thoughts. as we all do. One was about the Dream I had just had which was somewhat strange as all my Dreams are anymore. I am always working, trying to get to something, or lost and alone and wanting to find my way out. Or busy helping someone else to my own detriment. Peril, danger, angst.

For a while I did not remember ANY Dreams. I thought I had stopped Dreaming. Now I realize it was something lacking inside myself, or outside. Any which way, I was pretty well lost! I was still Dreaming, just not remembering them upon waking.

I was floating, drifting, alone. I forgot that I could reach out and ask for help. This concept never even crossed my mind as a way out. I did not think myself worthy. This is a huge mistake many of us make. Heck, all of us make it, some just manage to hide it in a better way. Asking for Help seems weak, bet that is why I did not ask. I relate this to Wynonna Judd. She is beautiful and so very talented, yet she struggles with issues so deep that she may never find the answers. Her mother has a book out about how to make yourself better and become a better person. I wonder how many will buy it when she and Wy cannot seem to help one another.

You know something else? For many years I actually bought my own pretense! I believed that I was happy. I snowed myself under. I wanted that all American Dream of Home and Family. Little did I know how much work was involved. Now don't get me wrong, I would never go back to being all alone. Gosh I had enough years of that! I would just change how I felt about myself. I would have gathered more strength and been more courageous. I still am not courageous. I depend upon others way more than I should.
Some would say I am lazy in that way. I feel it is that I am taking care of myself for the first time in my Life. And besides, who cares if that basket of Laundry is not folded and put away when there is something more important to do? I sure don't.
No one will Judge me if I don't do it right away. Besides, the clothes are clean!

I was correcting this article and accidentally erased over half of it! Sometimes I hate Computers! (or is it the ineptness of the operator?)

Going on. I had talked about my relationships with my Family and my Dad.
I also talked about reasons I ended up feeling the way I did about things growing up in Missouri and after we moved back to Iowa. I understand now why they made that move, but it truly was not all that good for me. I am not sure it would have been any better had we stayed there. I hated that Outhouse, and they had no plans to add on a bathroom that I ever heard. Things were not very modern down that way yet, at least not in that area. My grandparents had indoor plumbing, so possibly we would have gotten it soon too. The folks took a chance. They chose what they needed to at the time. I don't have any qualms about that. I could be insecure anywhere!

Dad and Mom did their best. They had to work with what they had been taught. Children were to be seen, not heard. Can you imagine how many kids that ruined?????? Now as I look back, it is a good thing to remember. I see lots of good things. I realize it was not my Folks who did not Love me. In their own way they did. Sure they did not pamper us with toys or presents. There was never really any money for them to do so.
They did other things. Dad made me a Swing. They bought or traded to get us Bicycles.
I think maybe Uncle Don had something to do with getting those. I remember him helping me have the confidence to learn to ride. Actually, he tricked me, but it sure worked! Mom always did things for me. She was the kind of Mom that I knew I never could be. She sewed for us. We had clothes because she was a seamstress. I still have scraps of those dresses and pjs from when we were little in a quilt she made for me.

I hate that I deleted my writing as it was good! Now I am trying to piece it back together and nothing is coming back as it came out before. Wonder if other Writers have that problem? I am sure some do. Reverse writers block! CRS.

I don't watch much TV anymore, too many ads and not enough content. We did watch many Christmas Specials though because the regular TV was so bad. The shows were very inspiring. That is what the World needs more of anyway. I am glad that some people still realize that and do something about it.

We were not able to get together with Dad at Christmas. He DID call me that night.
I was surprised, because I was not going to call him. I still have issues with the whole changing Religions thing. Why is it that the ONE Religion I think is a Cult,
is the ONE he and Mom chose to go to? I will never understand that. Is it a test for me? Must be. I am failing miserably if so. I always thought I was so tolerant and not racist. I was sure fooling myself on that one. We tend to hate the things we don't understand or fear.

We have not even met Olivia yet and she will be One this month. Time sure flies.
She is as cute as the other two of course. Chris and Jessie invited us to their
place for Christmas. I could not get Larry to commit to going there. He did call his sister Mem and make plans to go to Fran's room in the Nursing home to spend the noon meal time with her and her roommate Roberta. Mem got them both Jewelry boxes. I loved the White one so much. It was styled very nicely. I will have to look for one for myself as I now have so much more Jewelry since my weight loss. I love to wear necklaces now that hang down. I did not want to before because of the way they laid.
When I go shopping, I will have to look around, should be some good sales now. I know this is a good time to buy sheets and other bedding things. There are always very good after Season Sales. This year there seemed to be more on Sale before the Holidays as well.

George and his Family could only get together with us on the Saturday before Christmas, and that was the same day we had plans with Todd and Jesse, and Lacey and Scott and Hunter were here too. I got lots of pictures. Got lots of pictures of Tyler while he was here too. He had a blast playing and eating the fresh fallen Snow! His little legs got so cold they were red! It is so good to see things through the eyes of children again. They are so innocent and loving. Too bad we ruin that!

I have many friends on the internet who help me out when I feel bad about things. Sometimes I cannot bear to go into the chat room. Other times, I enjoy it so much.
It can be like Therapy at times. At other times, it allows me to be crazy and make others laugh and laugh myself....just silly stuff.

The Sun is shining again today. Jetty called and was so sad because Todd had to go back to work today. She was crying! I cried too, as I always do when my children feel bad and there is nothing I can say or do to help. I suggested she get some movies out, go for a walk, get some sun, and just cry if she needed to, it was okay to do so. I even told her she could come visit here for a few days. I know she never will do that because she cannot stand to be away from Todd for very long.

I am so glad all of my girls are Happy. I hope they continue to be. Life is too short to remain unhappy and do things you do not want to do just to please someone else. I wish I had stood up for myself much longer ago. I always thought that I should do what Larry wanted. We had a lot of fun, but I gave up too much of me. There are parts of me that he still does not know, perhaps I will never be able to share with him. I know he will never read any of the writings I pour myself into for he does not like to read all that much.

I found out that he is a good artist! He can draw cars and trucks and cement trucks. He did that for Tyler, and I sent them home with him...thought he might want to put them up on their fridge.

Well, that has to be more than 3 pages at least. I will write more later if the mood strikes. I really enjoy spending time writing, but the day is gone before I know what happened when I write! Guess that is a good thing!

More later Taters,

Hugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
and don't forget to Hug yourself, you deserve it!

Katie