Monday again!

Yep here we go again, another week begins. I always enjoy Monday even if it s Bleak and Dreary because I am alone again after a busy weekend. I love the get togethers, but am so ready for the quiet again when it comes.

This is my last day of freedom. Larry is taking voluntary unemployment for the rest of this month. He has been looking forward to staying home for some time now. I will have to tell him about my renting the booth in Manson for I will not be able to spit without him knowing about it for about a month. I will have to pay the rent when I take some things up there. Hopefully he won't try to talk me out of it. I just have to decide what I can let go of. I gave up a lot to Goodwill and New Hope Village a while back. Things I wish I had now. I knew that would happen. They may not mean anything to others, but they meant something to me. I have a ton of books but do not want to part with them! I am joined to a book exchange now, and it looks like it will be fun.
The only cost will be the postage which is only 3.99. I will try it at least for a month. Don't want to use up all my money in my account. That would not be good. I will not be able to get money on Thursdays anymore unless Larry is generous. Which he usually is, I have to admit.

I had this wonderufl Dream last night. I was starting a new job in a place where I worked long ago, but it was not in the same place, it was in a Beautiful place and the employers were very generous to us. We were taking the tour upon our first day of work. It just kept getting better and better. They showed us the place and the clothes were fantastic. We had a very generous clothing discount. The eating area for the help was a high fashioned, very big and glorious place. They were assuring us, yes, this is true. I kept looking around and could not believe it. I even woke up once and went to the bathroom and was able to continue the Dream upon going back to sleep. It was a fantastic place and made me want to work again! Who wouldn't with benefits like that? I also found myself dreaming about Tina's house again. I want that place with a passion although I know I could never make the payments and that we can not afford to go back into debt for a house again. The cost to heat it is probably tremendous too!

Larry said we are going to use the Income Tax refund this year to put in a new furnace/air conditioner. We are going to call and get several estimates to see which company will give us the best deal. I am so glad, tired of all the dirt getting blown around. I never thought this furnace was very efficient. It is too easy for the dust to get through into the house. We already have the runs, so should not be too difficult or expensive.

I hated to see Alvin go home yesterday. He is really no trouble at all, and I would have enjoyed having his company. He loved going on walks with me. I loved having him along, even though he was a bit scared of walking along the road. That I can understand. I also understand why they did not leave him. Tyler would miss him I think and they said they liked his cleaning up messes after Tyler. He likes it here because I give him treats just because. He is a dear sweet dog and minds so well. We barely knew he was here! He was that good. I was careful not to leave out the garbage where he would be tempted to get into it. He is so tempted by that. After all, he IS a Dog!

I am going to go mail that book now. It has to go out today. The sun as popped out since I began writing this. I am going to see if it is warm enough to walk outside. I went the other day one mile with Alvin and it was bit cool on the way out, but it was good coming back.

The weather is supposed to turn back cold by the weekend, so I better scoot!
Have a good day and live it to the fullest!

Hugs and Hug yourself, you deserve it!
Katie

An Edit to this Post: I did not rent the booth at the second hand store, I decided i did not have all that much to sell to spend the money. Alvin is a dog, my oldest Daughter's and she would never give him up although he is getting older. Just wanted you to know.

Sunday Day of Rest?

I don't think so! We always tend to do more work on Sunday than all week long. Not sure why that is. Maybe because I procrastinate so well? Guess I answered my own questio that time! That could be i part because we are getting company today. A Family get together. My Dad and brother Jim are coming for Dinner so that they can see Jodee and Family again. They do not get to see them very often. So, we clean.

The few weekends we stay home, I do get a lot of work accomplished. It feels good to look around the house and be proud of how it looks. This week I am going to start on closets and the Den. I am going to move my craft and Art supplies, as many as I can, upstairs to my Artist's Loft. It is tiny and I don't like climbing the stairs, but this is a new committment for this year. I cannot become an Artist without doing more Art work. I do some, have been concentrating on my writing and Morning Pages. I think the best thing for me to do is to make a list when I think of things I want to accomplish and then start checking things off as I get them accomplished. I have my Mother's sewing machine in storage and have not even gotten it out of the plastic to see how it works. I let Jesse take our other sewing machine because she was going to do some more quilts. I believe she may have paid for it herself anyway. I come and go with my wanting to sew. That does not seem to be a priority right now. There was a sewing technique I saw on a craft show last week that I believe I may try. It involved sewing paper. It looks like a lot of fun and will help use some creativity. The woman on the show was using the things she sewed to make a house. Not sure if it was for gifts or to sell, they never said. It may have been for her own entertainment for it involved paper cut outs of her family. I could see it being a really cute gift. How those people think of the things they do is beyond me. They have learned to use their imagination in many new ways. One thing leads to another I would suppose. It got them on TV!

Today is a bleak day, no sun. Colder than it has been also. Only 32 right now. It is almost noon, so I bet that will be the high for the day. Yesterday and the day before were so gorgeous it was bound to change soon. I am not sure what the forcast is for this next week. I will have one part day to myself, and then not sure. Larry is cooking lunch for the family.

Jodee, Jamie and Tyler arrived, so gotta go,



Katie

Saturday

Yes, yet another Saturday has come. I slept in until almost 8 a.m. today. It is now afternoon, so the Morning Pages are a little late. The fact that I am writing is what is important, not the time of day. I am doing my best to make this a daily occurrence, which is not always possible. I am not making excuses, just explaining.

When I was a little girl, I remember being very sad in pictures. I rarely smiled. The sunlight has always bothered me, I would squint whenever anyone took my picture. Oh how I wish that the little girl in those photos could speak to me now. I would love to know what she would tell me. Was she a happy little girl, or was she pretending? I will never know the answer to that. I would like to believe I was a happy child. Perhaps I will think to ask my Dad if he comes down tomorrow for Sunday Dinner. Jodee, Jamie, and Tyler will be here sometime for the noon meal. Larry is making a Meat Loaf.

My mind is rambling today as it does on most days.

I am trying to make my mind go back to when I was little and how I played. I do remember at recess at school we would build imaginary homes. Rocks and sticks would form the walls. Openings between them were the doors of course. Do you know something? I cannot even remember who my friends were and who I played with on the school playground. Was I an outcast, even back then? Later on there were a few times when I would make an attempt to stay all night with one girl or another. I say make and attempt because most times I would end up calling my Mom to come and get me. I am not sure now why I did not make it through the night. Possibly at least in my home I knew what to expect. It certainly was not the fact that my house was better or nicer than any of those girls. Where was my little mind and what was it thinking? I remember Judy Jones, Beverly Mosher, Donna Bass, Janice Wise, Peggy Whitehead,
Carla Powell, Georgia Ann Ford. Snippits are coming back to me. Diana Meggers had this beautiful Golden Palamino. It was a bit hard to handle, especially when it knew you didn't ride often. Skitterish? Maybe that's the word. Horses seem to know I am scared to death, even when I tried to act in control. That is one thing on my wish list is to ride a horse again. I have always wanted one of my own, but realize that is not going to happen. It would be a huge surprise if it ever did. Judy Jones was in my class in Elementary school. She loved to play Basketball. She tried to be the entire team though, and that made everyone a bit upset, especially the Coach. She played volleyball the same way, often causing someone else to lose the Ball in her effort to play alone. She did not live that far from me. The road to her home was barely that, it was more of a dirt path. Her house was more a shanty than a house.
She had many pets, some of which were wild. Squirrels, a goat, some kittens, and a rabbit that she found wounded and mended back to health who would not go very far from her from then on. Judy lived about half a mile from us, cutting through the timber. I wonder how she fared later on in Life. Did she get better about letting others in on things? Diana Meggers was also the one that helped me to finally stay all night without calling Mom or crying too much. We put a tent of blankets out under the trees in her front yard and were going to sleep there. We didn't make it, going inside about 9 p.m. She convinced me I could make it and made some popcorn and we talked a lot and I finally relaxed and fell asleep. After that it was not difficult anymore to stay. As much as I wanted to get away from home later on, it still confuses me why I was so attached to home. Janis Wise had me over one time and that girl must have had 20 pairs of shoes. She had a pair for every occasion that's for sure. That is the one thing I remember about her. She was a blonde with the prettiest Blue Eyes you could ever see. Carla Powell lived about a mile from us and they also had ponies I got to ride one time. I got tossed off though, so that did not go well. I never tried to ride that pony again.

I often wonder what would have been changed had my location been different? Would any of that have mattered? What would I have been like had we remained in Missouri? I was the first one to be glad when we were told that we would be moving back to Iowa from Missouri. I was tired of having no indoor toilet. Of course that may have been because as I got older, for some reason, that became one of my chores, taking the refuse from our indoor potty to the Outhouse to dump. Then I would have to fend off the Yellow Jackets who lived in there too. Dad would knock the nests down only to have them return as soon as the little buggers could spit enough to build them again.
the last straw was when I was going about my usual chore when they decided they did not like me being on their turf. One took me by surprise and as I attempted to motion to shoo him away, he decided to lock his little legs around my right nostril. I can still remember now how that felt. Of course it did not feel as bad as what happened next. As the wasp narrowed his aim, I was staggering all over the place, and of course my cargo shifted and spilled into my shoes. It did no good, as the tiny enemy decided I needed to be stung. He nailed me right below my nose between the bottom of it where it met my upper lip. I spent the rest of the day recovering from the trauma inflicted upon me by this poisonous critter. Moving could not come fast enough for me. I would have changed schools had we remained in Missouri, for the High School was in another town 8 miles away. Looking forward to leaving seemed like a Godsend to me. Even though I was a teenager and you know how traumatic change can be at that age. I was Thirteen years old and scared spit less when I went to Junior High/High School that first day. This transitional age is not fun for anyone and most Parents don't realize that. They expect way more from children that age than most are capable of doing. At any age change is difficult. Oh those teen years. I do not even want to remember some of them. One time I attempted to kill myself. This seems such a strong way to put it, but had those little red pills been anything other than Vitamins, I would not be here telling this story. Does that give you any idea of how traumatic the move was for me? I did not fit in. I was new to the community. Too shy to make friends, I ended up with the other "not exactly popular" kids. Along with all these things, I was fast becoming overweight as well. I was very accepting of people, still am. There were a few girls I liked spending time with. What would I change if I had a chance to return to that time? I am not sure. I would not change me because this is what made me the person I am today. Changing me now serves no purpose. One thing that I would change if I could is that I would begin to write things in a journal much earlier. I never thought anything important enough to write down happened to me. Now just the day to day doings would be fun to recollect. I have been writing about my relationship with my parents and with my Mom in particular. Had I communicated then, maybe things would have turned out differently. Would she have allowed me to do some of the things I only dream about today? She was very kind and as I remember, let me have people over pretty much whenever I wanted. She let me go stay all night with several girls during my teen years. She and Dad even helped me to buy my first car. That old pink demon would be fun to have back now. At the time I hated it because it was older and not all that nice a car. It was a Salmon Pink Plymouth. It had push buttons to shift gears. It had lots of chrome trim. The seats were plaid. There were no cracks, dents or blemishes anywhere on the body. It was $750.00 which at that time was a lot for an older car. Dad helped me out with the payments and I paid him and Mom back a bit at a time. That old car went a lot of miles with and for me. Maybe that car could tell memories for me also. When you are young, you don't feel like you will ever forget anything that happens. Now I can barely remember what I did yesterday. Normal aging, yes, I hope so. I am writing all of these words for me. But, also I want to leave some sort of legacy to my children and grand children, should any of them want to read about "Crazy Grandma Kate". At least now when I act Happy it is because I truly feel that way. No more acting or hiding any of my feelings. People will know asap how I feel, one way or the other.

Last night Lacey and Hunter came down to visit. They joined us for spaghetti supper. I had planned on going to meet Lacey somewhere to shop, or go to her house. I was so tired from shopping on Thursday. I did not get to town until Noon, so that put everything back a few hours. My regular Meeting is at 9:30. I missed having the friends I normally do to confide in. This staying on program is difficult when I do not see any positive results. I will NOT quit. That is NOT an option. Even knowing that, I still struggle. I love when they come over. It is wonderful to be allowed to be such an important part of Hunter and Lacey's lives. Seeing Jodee's family often is nice too. They moved closer to us last year when Tyler was two. It is about half an hour closer. That helps us to get to see them more often. Jodee is so busy with Law School, but she still welcomes us out whenever she can. Tyler adores seeing us. We both love to play with him. I can get down and do so much easier now. I don't know how I could have let myself get so huge before I started caring enough to get a hold of myself. I saw a young woman the other day who was gigantic. I wanted so to help her. I wanted to say, come with me to get some help. But I did not. I bit my tongue and walked away. I know as well as anyone that it would not have helped her unless she was ready to get help. Something that bothers me about the group I belong to is that there are some folks who cannot afford the payments to get help. I have long considered starting some sort of weight loss group for those who do not have a lot of funds. Yes, eating right does cost more. Finding a way to care for oneself is not expensive, but sometimes it takes others going through the same thing to get you where you need to go. I know if I didn't have the friends at meeting, I would not have this strength to go on losing. It would be so easy to give up on myself again.
Have I stumbled upon what I need to do with my Life? Hummmmmmmmmmm

Well I betcha that is my three pages. This writing really mushroomed on me. It has taken me on and off all day, and I feel at a place where I can stop for now.

You all take care of yourselves and Hug someone today. Be Kind. It comes back to you.

adios!

Katie


Kate

Here I Am

I was listening to Barbara Streisand's CD on the way home from town last night. She inspires me in so many ways. First, she is a Woman. Second, She is a talented, confident Woman. Third, She did it "her" way. Fourth, she still seems daunted by her success. She seems like a meek child when she is intervied, yet not afraid to say what is on her mind. Life delt her Lemons, she made Lemonade. I so admire that, that I cannot begin to explain it. She appears to be everything I am not. Is that a Freudian slip or something? I do not mean that I am anything like Barbara, nor am I extremely different. I only meant that even when she was afraid, she did it anyway. She can claim her own Success. Now I sound like my Success is not important. I do not mean that either. What I am trying to say is that I respect her and many others who do great things wheter meaning to or not. Sometimes it can be just luck that someone achieves greatness. Some have success they did not deserve. Is Success over-rated? Possibly so. Success is good in that it keeps us heading toward one goal or another. Right now my only goal is to lose weight, and I am becoming very frustrated with that one. I have begun to feel that my body likes where it is now. It wants to remain here. I do not want to remain at this weight although I look like I weigh less than I do. I just want to keep losing till I begin to feel comfortable within my skin. That won't happen for at least another 20 pounds or more. I have to decide that it is worth working toward. The thing is, I have to pass up so many good things to get there. I do not want to constantly feel in angst or worry or guilt if and when I choose to eat something. I have done that all my Life. Now it is time to start living again. I do not mean I am going to stop trying. I only mean that it is time to stop beating myself up because I am not losing. I am giving tracking one more shot. I have been working out like a fiend most of this past week only to maintain where I had gained before Christmas!!!!! Not eating foods I love is a constant in my Life that I no longer have the mental power to maintain. I can't imagine how I will feel once I get to goal. I want to get to the 145 range because I truly want to work for Weight Wathers. I think I will be a good leader, and inspire and help others like me.

Enough of this self pity party for now! I am going to be so good this week it will make everyone's head spin! Go me! I can do this! It is a Lifestyle change, get over it!!! Moving on to my next few thoughts:

Something else I have finally realized that had never occured to me before is how insecure so many people are. Not liking themselves. Thinking they should be better than they are or have been. These are people who have appeared to have success beyond measure. Some do not have what seems like success, but it is. Moving forward through this old world and life is a struggle for us all. The older we get, the more the struggle seems to be.

This tells me we all are wounded children inside. I have been reading several books that are formed around this idea. Heck, I bet that Donald Trump is nothing more than a little wounded boy who hides it well. He puts up a good face and acts the part, even with the many trials and troubles he has had in the world. He is determined to persevere. (no offense, Donald)

Are we truly put on this Earth to accomplish great works? Define great works. We are taught how being first is so important. How many people are struggling through Life because of this? I bet the number is extremely high. Never measuring up is difficult if not impossible to bear for some. Being number 2 is not so bad when you think about how many others there are in the meley. I have never had that drive to be 1st. I never thought it was worth the struggle. Maybe that is why I have not had success in the way some people measure it.

Is Success monatarily important? Is Happiness Success? I believe that there are millions of people who deem themselves successful having achieved or earned very little money. Some of the Happiest people have barely enough to get by. They learned early in Life that Success is what you make it.

How much different would our Lives be if we all would sit down for a brief visit and just enjoy the conversation. No competing, no striving to be something more than what we are. Learning to be grateful for what we have, where we are at this moment, and not worrying about what others think of us. Letting it all hang out, warts and all.

Will someone today judge me if and when they see that I did not shave my Legs today?
Probably the only person who really cares about that is me. Who started women shaving their Legs anyway? (Gonna be sexist here) It was probably some man who liked feeling women's legs. Or some executive in fashion who wanted the fashions to look slicker.
Why do we go so against nature? We change it. We exploit it. We ruin it. Now I can see if a person does not groom themselves and becomes a smelly dirty stinky mess that this can be detrimental. Cleanliness should be appreciated as some do not have access to it like we do.

Now I know not everyone does this. I know I still shave my legs when I will be wearing something that is revealing. Thank Goodness for that. I have spent most of my Life trying to be the best person I knew how to be. Measuring up to some sort of public expectation. I was never slim enough, dainty enough, cute enough, perfect enough, or so I learned some where along the line. When we begin to equate our worth by our looks or success, we are just plain wrong. I did it. I bet you do it too. We judge ourselves before anyone else has the chance to. I finally realized that the one person I cared about judging me was ME. I did not realize for way too many years that I was even doing so. Now as I peel away the layers, I see how much I equated my self worth and self esteem as one and the same.

True, when I was growing up, there were more "rules" to follow. Had I only had the courage to follow my own fashion sense back then. Some did. I believe they were called "freaks". (see the judgement?)

Young people today have a freedom that we never had, or even dreamt about taking. Rules were set in stone. You did what the rules said. Never taking into consideration a person's feelings about it, or thinking it might be hurting anyone in some way.

My own parenting skills were based upon what I had learned growing up. I wish I had done more reading about that sort of thing before I had children. We all fly by the seat of our pants where this is concerned. We learn by trial and error, or use the rules we ourselves learned growing up. Did I expect too much from my children? Did I not have high enough expectations? These questions may never be answered in my Lifetime. Would I accept the answers if they were handed to me on a silver platter? Probably not.

Now I see my own children making some mistakes that I just want to say, "do it this way", but I will not say that for I remember how easily that can be taken negatively.
There are still things that my girls probably do take to heart or mind more than they should. (I hope you will forgive me daughters of mine!) I try to stay out of things, but sometimes wonder if words I say get mis-construed or taken in a different way than I meant them to. It makes me careful in what I say at all. My mother used to make jokes that I took to heart, or turned to make them derogatory. Oh, what we do to our OWN selves!

I had a woman tell me a couple of years ago that I was blaming everyone else in the world for the way my Life had turned out. She was right, and it hurt because she was right. At that time, I was very vulnerable and lost. I have since done a lot of soul searching and writing. I also went to the Doctor because there were thoughts of suicide creeping in. These thoughts had occured to me one other time when a job was not working out, I was overwhelmed and stressed. Trying to be perfect, trying to be all things to everyone. Failing miserably. At that time, I did not realize how sick I was. Each person is different and that increases value as far as I can see. Who would want to be clones? Not me. True, I catch myself judging others, perhaps to make myself seem less freaky? Whatever the reason, that is WRONG.

The girls were growing up. They were branching out. They did not need Mom anymore.
I was now part of the furniture, perhaps always had been. How could I ever think that? Oh how I wish I had talked to my own Mom about just such things as these. We never were able to get beyond certain feelings. We only had one good talk where we both ended up feeling better about our relationship.

I realize now, looking back, that Mom never had a good relationship with her mother either. She went through that same stress of wanting to do everything perfectly to please others. We are so ingrained with certain teachings, it is rare when a person can stop and look and realize things do not have to be that way.

I was a "good girl". I did everything the way it was supposed to be done. Now in some ways, I wish I had taken a few more risks. But then, I would not be the person I am today. I would be someone else.

My rebellions were few and did not amount to much compared to some teenagers. I think back to how close I was to true danger. There were a couple of things that happened that I could not even tell my parents. Or so I felt. I would no longer be that good girl, not perfect, not their Angel anymore. Even with those 2 things, I was pretty much Ms Goody Two Shoes. Where did that saying come from I wonder? I will have to investigate that further.

The past 2 days I have been thinking strongly about the song "Rainbow Connection". Possibly it is because I have watched "Kermit, the Early Years" with Tyler D.
It is a sweet, cute little movie and touches on some of the same things that happened later on when Kermit left the swamp. I think the reason I am "making this connection" is that here was this Man who did not give up on his Dream. He did not listen to all the Critics, including the one within. He moved toward his fantasy. Did he achieve it? I would be willing to bet that in his own mind, NO. There always seems to be that wandering lust, that feeling to find "more". He was a pure Genius and left us much too early. His Dream lives on however. I remember when Rowlf Dog was on TV. He was fascinating to me. I think maybe it was the EdSullivan show, or Gary Moore or some such that I first saw him. This man had such a sense of humor. He made us laugh and see and enjoy imaginary "critters". Most would just say, "What the hell are you trying to do?" "This will never fly." Bet Orville and Wilbur Wright heard that a few times too, but never gave up trying.

Jamie, one of my Son In Laws is inspiring me too. He is doing dot art. He is very good at it. It takes lots of patience and a steady hand to do it. I am toying with a few ideas in my head as to which of several ideas I should pursue. Thinking about money has to go away. One cannot do true Art "for the money". My point in mentioning Jamie is that when he first tried to help me with some information, I took it so negatively. I thought he was saying that my Art was no good. What he was doing was trying to give me some tips on how to become better. I have never been very good with critisisim or any kind. My own self worth is getting better, but I have a ways to go.

I picked up a book yesterday in the Hallmark Store. My intention was to give it to a friend as a Birthday gift. She had a Birthday in December. I want to take her to lunch as she took me on my Birthday last April. She was going to Weight Watchers with me, but has not shown up for several weeks now. I fear she has given up on herself again. I better send her an email today. She encouraged me when I needed it. I did not make it to my regular meeting yesterday. Will wait one more week to see if she may have been there yesterday. I did not go until Jodee and family left. They stayed overnight on the way to Grandma Sabos. They are coming back Sunday for lunch before going on home to Omaha again.

Tyler has my Heart. Maybe I should say he has half of it, for Hunter has the other half. Those two boys are my Life right now. I would not have it any other way.

I was thinking on the way home that maybe that is what I am supposed to "do" right now. Maybe this is my place in time now. Maybe I am looking for something that is not there. Could this be possible? This is no small task, being a Grandma. Neither is being a Mom. These are the best and worst jobs in the world. Best because of the fringe benefits. Worst because there is always the fear of doing something wrong that will become Earth Shattering or mentally harmful some day. Now I know this will not happen, but it makes me feel very intimidated, let me tell you. I want to do this job right. I know I am good with kids. It is so fun to be able to get down on the floor and play with them and do silly things to make them laugh and giggle. I am learning that the things that I do that Hunter loves, Tyler does not think are very funny at all. You win some, you lose some.

Being close to Hunter has been the best gift I ever have gotten. He lights up when we come into the room. Children show true Joy at this young age. They are still young enough that everything is new and untarnished. Oh how I wish that those feelings could continue for their Lifetime. I hope no one ever tells them they cannot, must not, will not. There is a fine line there. We mold them ever so gently. Tyler is sensitive and I already see his craving Love. He is loved, but for some reason he is insecure in that arena. I see him as so similar to me that it scares me in some ways. He needs lots of affection, and I bet he always will. I hope that the day does not come that he is told to stop hugging and hugging and more hugging. I never got enough of that, and I was the same way, needing to show and be shown Love. Parents get busy and children sometimes bear the brunt of that. Busy. I am so glad I got to slow down. I think I would have been dead soon had I continued the way I was going. I listened to my body...or at least I had to listen when I reached the breaking point. I am thankful for that knowledge. I did know my body and that it needed to be taken care of. Had I continued to do what I felt like was menial work, I would have to be locked up by now, or had a Heart Attack or Stroke. I feel guilty that Larry has to keep working because I couldn't go to work and make enough money to let him retire. That will always bother me. I live in fear of what will happen if and when he does die. I have nothing to live on. I will be in the poor house because we did not plan or save. I should have insisted on putting something away for these days. I know that my Dad is living with this same fear. He is so afraid that he will not have enough money till he dies. He may not. There is help for people like him if he needs it, but he will have to lose his pride to get it.
I learned a bit about that when I was living in Carroll. I could not face going to the Human Services to get help. I would rather come back here than ask for help.
Living like that was just too scarey. I know I could do it, but chose not to. I am making the best choices I can make at the time I make them. Only time will tell if they are the right choices. I truly loved living in Carroll. There is access to so much to do all the time. I wanted to join the recreation center also, but so many things take money just to get started. I could not even get cable or computer access.

I will have to make a list of things I want to accomplish. I think of things, then forget them. That scares me too because it brings the fear of the Alzheimers up again. My forgetfulness is getting worse all the time. That is one reason I have to get these words down on paper. Whether they make sense to anyone but me is not important. I am supposed to write 3 pages every morning. This will not be a problem. I want to do a Dream journal too. This is supposed to help see where my soul wants to go, and what I am to do while awake. I fear learning this for some reason, not sure why. I can procrastinate with the best of them. I fear I am procrastinating my Life away. I must changes this. I am the only one who can. I need to set goals and reach them before it becomes to late to do so.

I was talking about that book that I picked up to give to a friend. I thought, she will like this, it is about Hugs. Well I had to wait to get the oil changed in the car and so took the book in to read. I wanted to make sure it was what I had in mind to give to her. The book spoke to ME. It seems as if it were written directly to me. It addresses things that I am facing now. The stories are simple, but meaningful. I am not sure that I will give it to her now or not. I might pass it on to my girls. I may not. I know I will read it before I give it away.

I will finish this now and post it before I lose it. I will perhaps finish it later.

Hugs everyone, take care of yourselves, no one else will!

Love you,

Katie

Today

Upon waking this morning, I had many thoughts. as we all do. One was about the Dream I had just had which was somewhat strange as all my Dreams are anymore. I am always working, trying to get to something, or lost and alone and wanting to find my way out. Or busy helping someone else to my own detriment. Peril, danger, angst.

For a while I did not remember ANY Dreams. I thought I had stopped Dreaming. Now I realize it was something lacking inside myself, or outside. Any which way, I was pretty well lost! I was still Dreaming, just not remembering them upon waking.

I was floating, drifting, alone. I forgot that I could reach out and ask for help. This concept never even crossed my mind as a way out. I did not think myself worthy. This is a huge mistake many of us make. Heck, all of us make it, some just manage to hide it in a better way. Asking for Help seems weak, bet that is why I did not ask. I relate this to Wynonna Judd. She is beautiful and so very talented, yet she struggles with issues so deep that she may never find the answers. Her mother has a book out about how to make yourself better and become a better person. I wonder how many will buy it when she and Wy cannot seem to help one another.

You know something else? For many years I actually bought my own pretense! I believed that I was happy. I snowed myself under. I wanted that all American Dream of Home and Family. Little did I know how much work was involved. Now don't get me wrong, I would never go back to being all alone. Gosh I had enough years of that! I would just change how I felt about myself. I would have gathered more strength and been more courageous. I still am not courageous. I depend upon others way more than I should.
Some would say I am lazy in that way. I feel it is that I am taking care of myself for the first time in my Life. And besides, who cares if that basket of Laundry is not folded and put away when there is something more important to do? I sure don't.
No one will Judge me if I don't do it right away. Besides, the clothes are clean!

I was correcting this article and accidentally erased over half of it! Sometimes I hate Computers! (or is it the ineptness of the operator?)

Going on. I had talked about my relationships with my Family and my Dad.
I also talked about reasons I ended up feeling the way I did about things growing up in Missouri and after we moved back to Iowa. I understand now why they made that move, but it truly was not all that good for me. I am not sure it would have been any better had we stayed there. I hated that Outhouse, and they had no plans to add on a bathroom that I ever heard. Things were not very modern down that way yet, at least not in that area. My grandparents had indoor plumbing, so possibly we would have gotten it soon too. The folks took a chance. They chose what they needed to at the time. I don't have any qualms about that. I could be insecure anywhere!

Dad and Mom did their best. They had to work with what they had been taught. Children were to be seen, not heard. Can you imagine how many kids that ruined?????? Now as I look back, it is a good thing to remember. I see lots of good things. I realize it was not my Folks who did not Love me. In their own way they did. Sure they did not pamper us with toys or presents. There was never really any money for them to do so.
They did other things. Dad made me a Swing. They bought or traded to get us Bicycles.
I think maybe Uncle Don had something to do with getting those. I remember him helping me have the confidence to learn to ride. Actually, he tricked me, but it sure worked! Mom always did things for me. She was the kind of Mom that I knew I never could be. She sewed for us. We had clothes because she was a seamstress. I still have scraps of those dresses and pjs from when we were little in a quilt she made for me.

I hate that I deleted my writing as it was good! Now I am trying to piece it back together and nothing is coming back as it came out before. Wonder if other Writers have that problem? I am sure some do. Reverse writers block! CRS.

I don't watch much TV anymore, too many ads and not enough content. We did watch many Christmas Specials though because the regular TV was so bad. The shows were very inspiring. That is what the World needs more of anyway. I am glad that some people still realize that and do something about it.

We were not able to get together with Dad at Christmas. He DID call me that night.
I was surprised, because I was not going to call him. I still have issues with the whole changing Religions thing. Why is it that the ONE Religion I think is a Cult,
is the ONE he and Mom chose to go to? I will never understand that. Is it a test for me? Must be. I am failing miserably if so. I always thought I was so tolerant and not racist. I was sure fooling myself on that one. We tend to hate the things we don't understand or fear.

We have not even met Olivia yet and she will be One this month. Time sure flies.
She is as cute as the other two of course. Chris and Jessie invited us to their
place for Christmas. I could not get Larry to commit to going there. He did call his sister Mem and make plans to go to Fran's room in the Nursing home to spend the noon meal time with her and her roommate Roberta. Mem got them both Jewelry boxes. I loved the White one so much. It was styled very nicely. I will have to look for one for myself as I now have so much more Jewelry since my weight loss. I love to wear necklaces now that hang down. I did not want to before because of the way they laid.
When I go shopping, I will have to look around, should be some good sales now. I know this is a good time to buy sheets and other bedding things. There are always very good after Season Sales. This year there seemed to be more on Sale before the Holidays as well.

George and his Family could only get together with us on the Saturday before Christmas, and that was the same day we had plans with Todd and Jesse, and Lacey and Scott and Hunter were here too. I got lots of pictures. Got lots of pictures of Tyler while he was here too. He had a blast playing and eating the fresh fallen Snow! His little legs got so cold they were red! It is so good to see things through the eyes of children again. They are so innocent and loving. Too bad we ruin that!

I have many friends on the internet who help me out when I feel bad about things. Sometimes I cannot bear to go into the chat room. Other times, I enjoy it so much.
It can be like Therapy at times. At other times, it allows me to be crazy and make others laugh and laugh myself....just silly stuff.

The Sun is shining again today. Jetty called and was so sad because Todd had to go back to work today. She was crying! I cried too, as I always do when my children feel bad and there is nothing I can say or do to help. I suggested she get some movies out, go for a walk, get some sun, and just cry if she needed to, it was okay to do so. I even told her she could come visit here for a few days. I know she never will do that because she cannot stand to be away from Todd for very long.

I am so glad all of my girls are Happy. I hope they continue to be. Life is too short to remain unhappy and do things you do not want to do just to please someone else. I wish I had stood up for myself much longer ago. I always thought that I should do what Larry wanted. We had a lot of fun, but I gave up too much of me. There are parts of me that he still does not know, perhaps I will never be able to share with him. I know he will never read any of the writings I pour myself into for he does not like to read all that much.

I found out that he is a good artist! He can draw cars and trucks and cement trucks. He did that for Tyler, and I sent them home with him...thought he might want to put them up on their fridge.

Well, that has to be more than 3 pages at least. I will write more later if the mood strikes. I really enjoy spending time writing, but the day is gone before I know what happened when I write! Guess that is a good thing!

More later Taters,

Hugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
and don't forget to Hug yourself, you deserve it!

Katie